About Ed

If my philosophy on coaching seems different, it’s because I am different…

The down side…

I don’t belong here. I am so out of place in this world that I go to sleep at night wishing I never have to wake up again.

The difference between myself and almost everybody else is small but significant.  I have no sequential memory. When I tell someone this they usually tell me that their memory is also terrible. It’s like comparing blind with nearsighted – one functions the other doesn’t. I’ve never known my own phone number, I can’t do lists and I’m lost 100% of the time. I am functionally retarded.

In Daniel Kahneman’s book Thinking, Fast and Slow he outlines two methods of thinking. Thinking fast uses memory and emotion while thinking slow uses logic and reason.  I trust nothing in my memory, so fast thinking can’t work for me. The result is who I am and how I understand the world.

Almost from birth, your education has been memory based. You learn how things are done by sequence. That learning process failed with me. My earliest memories are about not knowing how to do things that all the other kids somehow knew how to do.  It’s just a sequence of simple steps, but my only method of doing them is to understand each step, which I often don’t.   Education in school is based on memorization. As hard as I tried, I could never memorize anything. My parents and teachers refused to believe that someone as intelligent as I am couldn’t do the same thing the other kids could. If you give a blind child a newspaper to read every day, it’s not long before they learn to hate themselves for not being able to.

I’ve spent much of my life looking for a diagnosis or definition of what I am.  If there are others like me, maybe they have solutions to problems that always come up.  What I found was a diagnosis called Executive Function Disorder which is a childhood disorder where kids have a hard time sequencing tasks.  There’s almost nothing written about adult executive function disorder, so I lack the basic skills to live in society and I have nowhere to turn for help.

The up side…

The problem with a working memory is that people start trusting what’s in there. As Anthony Bourdain once said, “The reason most people can’t make a good burger is they think they know how”.  It’s called a cognitive bias, trusting what you think you know over what you see from the world around you. People make terrible burgers over and over, yet they still believe they know how to make a good burger.  I have none of that.  The combination of a defective memory and self hate leaves me thinking that nothing in my head is worth the ink to write it down.   I have to understand my world and how each part works, and I’m always painfully aware of how much there is to learn.  I apply the same learning process to everything I do and I find work-arounds for many of the things I can’t do…

What’s left…

I was born without the skills to play by the rules, so I don’t even try any more.  I have a lot to offer, but I’m damn hard to find. I am out of touch with the world and constantly putting myself in danger.

 

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